Steamed Hams but it's Sailor Moon
by the7joker7
Summary: Desperate to save her grades so she isn't held back, Usagi tries to butter up her teacher by inviting her over for an unforgettable luncheon. But when things don't go according to plan, can Usagi improvise well enough to save the day?


Summary: Desperate to save her grades so she isn't held back, Usagi tries to butter up her teacher by inviting her over for an unforgettable luncheon. But when things don't go according to plan, can Usagi improvise well enough to save the day?

"

With an annoyed frown, Haruna Sakurada reached forward and tapped the small round button to the left of the door. Looking around the porch, noting the non-trivial size and majesty of the domicile, the middle-school teacher was somewhat surprised to find that the Tsukinos were clearly well above-average in their means. Almost enough to annoy her, knowing that the perpetually-late, oft-failing girl who was always bringing up the rear in her class at Juuban had a better life than she did.

Her musings were silenced as the door swung open, a small, blonde schoolgirl with an odango-styled hair arrangement beaming out at her from just inside the house. Usagi Tsukino, wearing an apron over her school uniform, beckoned for her to enter.

"Well, Usagi, I made it," Haruna said, nose wrinkling a bit in annoyance again. " _Despite_ your directions." The teacher was quite sure that she had been forced to use at least three times more gas than she should have attempting to follow Usagi's instructions on how to find the house.

"Ah, Miss Haruna, welcome!" Usagi said, seemingly ignoring the dig. "I hope you're ready for an unforgettable luncheon!"

"...right," Haruna said, stepping past her student onto the front foyer of the house. Removing her shoes, she saw the dining table over near the kitchen, seeing it had been set for two people. She didn't really know what she was expecting. She wouldn't have bet on Usagi being much of a chef, based off what she knew about her, and generally wouldn't expect much from any fourteen-year-old girl in such a capacity. She, of course, saw right through Usagi's invitation as a transparent attempt to earn some brownie points. Usagi was right on the fringe of failing and being held back, and unless something significant happened very soon, she wouldn't be allowed to move onto high school. Doubtlessly, Usagi was hoping that treating Haruna to a nice lunch would curry her some favor.

However, although Haruna was not about to make academic decisions based off something as superficial as that, she reasoned the polite thing to do would be to accept and at least see how Usagi might conduct herself. Without another word, the middle-aged woman walked over to the dining table and sat down, as Usagi split off towards the kitchen.

"

Thankfully, the dining room was well-insulated from the kitchen, for as soon as Usagi stepped through the door into the kitchen, she realized something was very wrong. The oven, in the minute since she had left it, had begun to emit copious amounts of smoke. Had the fire alarm above the oven still worked, it would have been blaring a deafening tune for sure.

Usagi gasped, running over to the over, peering through the billowing smoke, putting her face up to the glass that provided a portal into the heated chamber. "Oh, no!" The large chunk of meat, sitting in a large pan, had gone up in flames, rendering it at-best unappetizing and at-worst inedible.

Usagi pulled her face away from the boiling hot oven, looking quite upset and scared, looking around the kitchen. "My roast is ruined!" she exclaimed to herself. It was hopeless. She would _never_ pass Haruna's class, _never_ make it into high school, _never_ graduate, it was…

Amid the building smoke filling the kitchen, Usagi's mind began to calm. Desperate for a way out of these miserable circumstances, she began to actually work on a potential solution. Slowly, she moved to the window looking out the Tsukino's' backyard. Quickly, she found it. The fast-food restaurant that she had dropped many a yen note at over the years, accumulating an embarrassing number of calories on the way. RcDonalds. She put her hand up on her chin.

"But...what if...I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?" Usagi said to herself. The restaurant was just across the street, less than a minute away, and would doubtlessly be able to provide edible food nearly immediately. Haruna had no idea how Usagi cooked, or what she was trying to prepare, so how would she know any better? Yes, yes, this luncheon could be saved.

With a naughty, impish little grin, Usagi even dared a little laugh. "Oooh. Delightfully devilish, Usagi," she muttered to herself, moving to the window and undoing the clasps before pushing it open. Knowing time was of the essence, she put her right left up on the windowsill and prepared to vault out into the yard.

And then, her stomach dropped as she heard the kitchen door swinging open behind her. Her parents and younger brother were out and wouldn't be back for hours, so there were only two possibilities. And though, as she turned around, she prayed it might be Luna, sure enough, her teacher was peering into the kitchen, immediately freezing on seeing Usagi up on the windowsill.

Haruna's eyes narrowed at the sight of Usagi attempting to escape the luncheon. Usagi's mind flew into overdrive, desperate to think of any lie she could to get out of this.

"USAGI!" Haruna yelled, putting her hands on her hips, adopting a tone Usagi was far too familiar with.

"M...Miss Haruna!" Usagi said, trying to sound as cheerful as she could. "I...I was just…" she turned back to look at her foot up on the window. "...stretching my calves on the windowsill!"

Trying to sell it, she began reaching over to grab her foot, trying to look as if she was engaging in an actual exercise. Haruna continued to glare over at her, but Usagi was not ready to surrender.

"Isometric exercise! Care to join me?" she offered.

Haruna, however, seemed as if she had already moved on from Usagi's bizarre window stunt, instead looking at the oven, which was only billowing more and more smoke by the second. "Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Usagi?" Haruna asked accusingly, pointing at the failing appliance.

"W-...what, oh!" Usagi said, desperate to buy time for her brain. "T-that isn't smoke, Miss Haruna!"

Surely, it would never work, but she _had_ to try.

"That...that's steam! Steam from the...the steamed clams we're having!" She quickly mimed rubbing her belly. "Mmmmmph! Steamed clams!" She innocently held her hands together in front of her, hoping beyond hope that it might have worked.

Haruna continued to look at Usagi suspiciously for a moment, but then turned around and left the kitchen, heading back into the dining room.

"Phew!" Usagi said, thanking her lucky stars to have gotten out of that one. She quickly vaulted out the window, scurrying across her yard, over to the familiar restaurant, thoughts of the burning oven completely out of her mind.

"

With a deep breath, Usagi pushed her back into the door separating the kitchen from the dining room, holding a large silver serving tray in her hands. Four hamburgers laying in a bed of french fries. It would have to do.

"Miss Haruna, I hope you're ready for mouth watering hamburgers!" she called out as she entered the dining room. Haruna had settled herself into the seat across from the kitchen door, preparing to eat. Usagi moved over to the table and set the tray down in the middle of the table.

Haruna eyed the tray in mild confusion. "I thought we were having steamed clams," she said, raising an eyebrow.

Usagi gave a little laugh. Of course, she had realized almost immediately that RcDonalds didn't sell anything close to steamed clams, and that that particular deception would have to be adjusted if she was to get by. Fortunately, she was prepared.

"Oh, oh no! No, I said steamed _hams_ ," Usagi said, trying to act casual. "T-that's what I call hamburgers!"

Haruna glanced down at the food again, before looking back up to Usagi as the schoolgirl settled herself into the opposite chair. "You...you call hamburgers 'steamed hams'?"

"Yes!" Usagi said, nodding enthusiastically. "It's...it's a regional dialect!"

"Uh-huh," Haruna said, squinting over at her student, clearly suspicious. "What region?"

"Uhhh...Tohoku," Usagi said, hoping that they might soon change the subject.

"Really?" Haruna said disbelievingly. "Well, I was born and raised in the Akita prefecture, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams'," she insisted.

"O-oh, not in Akita, no," Usagi said dismissively. "It's an Iwate expression."

"I see," Haruna said, reaching forward and grabbing one of the hamburgers. Usagi almost couldn't believe how quickly her teacher had accepted that explanation, but was grateful for it nonetheless, and also reached over to grab one of the hamburgers.

"

Haruna was torn as she looked down at her partially-eaten hamburger. Yes, it was certainly fine enough, and she did have to give Usagi credit for putting together an effective luncheon, seemingly by herself. But, as she thought about the things Usagi had said a few minutes ago, something just wasn't quite adding up. And, these hamburgers…

"You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at RcDonalds," Haruna thought out loud, taking the top bun off the one in her hand and looking at the patty.

Usagi, quickly, began to laugh almost dismissively. "Oh, noooo...no, not at all! Patented Tsukino burgers! Old family recipe!" she said animatedly.

Haruna blinked a few times, still feeling rather suspicious. "For...'steamed hams'?"

"Yes," Usagi replied immediately.

"Yes, and...and you call them 'steamed hams' despite the fact that they're _obviously_ grilled?" She held out the open-faced patty towards Usagi, showing quite clearly that the slab of meat had grill-marks all along it, rendering Usagi's bizarre nickname for the food quite inappropriate.

"Uh...ye...uh…" Usagi began to babble. Haruna just watched the ditzy blonde teenager stumble over her words. She picked up a napkin and rubbed her mouth with it for a moment. "You know, the...uh…" Usagi set the napkin back down on the table. "...one thing I should, uh…"

Usagi thought for a moment, Haruna just waiting for some sort of adequate explanation, still holding the patty out towards her. And then, suddenly, Usagi got to her feet.

"Excuse me for one second," she asked, stepping towards the kitchen door.

"Mm, yes, of course," Haruna said, returning her attention to the food on the plate in front of her.

"

Usagi took one step into the kitchen before realizing that the entire room was now on fire, every last appliance and cabinet being reduced to ash right in front of her. The heat was unbearable and horrific. She took a quick glance across the ruined room, and then spun around, re-entering the dining room, praying that the distraction had gotten her out of explaining the inexplicable. Now, she had only one goal. She _had_ to get Haruna out of the house, and _had_ to have her be completely unaware of what had transpired that afternoon.

As soon as she entered the room, she stretched her arms out above her head, giving a powerful and emphatic fake yawn, drawing Haruna's attention with her theatrics. "Well, that was wonderful!" Usagi exclaimed, fighting to maintain her composure as the kitchen behind her was fast being completely destroyed. "Good time was had by all! I'm pooped!"

Haruna set the hamburger down on the plate in front of her, then glanced down at her watch. "Mm, yes, I should probably be—"

At that moment, she tilted her head up slightly, eyes widening. Usagi's stomach twisted into a knot, as her mind rewound a few seconds, realizing that she had not hurt the distinctive click of the door closing all the way behind her, meaning that she had not closed it all the way. And, even through the tiny crack that it remained open, maybe a centimeter, surely, Haruna was now laying eyes on hard evidence of the raging fire on the other side of the wall.

"Good LORD!" Haruna yelled, jumping to her feet and pointing at the kitchen door. "What is HAPPENING in there?!" she demanded, looking quite frightened. Usagi turned to look at the door, seeing that it indeed hung open by the tiniest of slivers. Just enough to give away the building flames within.

The game was up. It was over. There was no way out. She was doomed. Doomed to repeat middle school, doomed to be left behind by all her friends. Doomed to be hated by her teacher forever. And then, a steely resolve bolstered her. She had nothing left to lose. Nothing she said could make this worse.

"...Aurora Borealis," Usagi said. The first thing that came to her mind that didn't sound 100% insane. 98% insane would have to do.

"Uh…" Haruna was mildly impressed Usagi even knew what the Aurora Borealis was, for a split second, before the absolute insanity and absurdity of the statement really had a chance to sink in. "...Aurora Borealis?!"

Usagi wanted to wince at the harshness of Miss Haruna's speech, but willed herself to cling onto whatever shred of credibility she had left.

Haruna put her hands on her hips, scowling, leaning in towards Usagi. "At _this_ time of year, at _this_ time of day, in _this_ part of the country, localized _entirely_ within your kitchen?!"

She was mad. The kind of anger that came from being brazenly lied to. Usagi could tell. But, again, she had nothing left to lose.

"Yes," Usagi said with a small smile, nodding.

Haruna glanced down at the carpet for a second, face wrinkling a bit. Usagi waited for the other shoe to drop. Waited for her angry rant to accelerate. And then, her expression softened a bit.

"...may I see it?" Haruna asked, looking over at the kitchen door.

Usagi pursed her lips. "...no."

"

Usagi opened the front door to the Tsukino house, Haruna stepping out onto the porch and turning back to look at her failing student. She was about to say something, but suddenly, a loud, shrill voice rang out from above.

"USAGI! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!"

Up above their heads, a window had been cracked open, a black cat sticking her head out into the late-afternoon air, looking down at the two with a panicked expression.

Usagi quickly waved the cat off. "No, Luna! That's just the northern lights!"

With that minor disturbance out of the way, Haruna turned back to Usagi. "Well, Usagi...you're an odd girl…" she reached up and stroked her chin a couple times in thought. "But I must say…" she gave a small smile, bending forward a bit, towards the smaller schoolgirl. "You steam a good ham."

Usagi grinned up at her teacher, nodding, seemingly taking the compliment to heart. With that said, Haruna turned around and began to walk out towards her car.

"HEEEEEEEEELP!"

Haruna spun around on her heel, looking back up at the second level of the house, seeing the clearly distressed cat waving down towards the two. However, with a second look over to Usagi, who merely gave her a casual thumbs up, Haruna shrugged and opened her driver side car door, sliding into the seat and sealing herself within the small chamber.

She reached her set of car keys forward, about to stick the metal rod into the ignition, when suddenly, her mind seemed to snap back into place. She froze, eyes going wide as the last several minutes came into focus for her.

"Wait…" she muttered to herself.

"...was that a talking cat?"

THE END

"

Steamed hams more like dead meme.


End file.
